BlogHer November Prompts: Day 6
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I used to be able to sit down without seeing parts of my body labelled as confectionery items or some other “lovingly” placed putdown. Nowadays, take a seat – see a muffin top. Clap your hands and you get the jiggly marshmallow arms or sit down and have someone you know tease you about the width of your legs. Wear your favorite shirt and have your fat bursting at the seams. You get the playful monikers that refer to a certain body part or another crude derogatory term (but good Lord, don’t be offended it’s just friends teasing) every time you do something that could point to your body fat. Honestly, I think the only good thing about the fact that I’ve grown bigger are the size of my breasts.
There’s really something to be said about a person’s insecurities being brought out in the open by the people you care about the most. At some point you only have yourself to blame for letting yourself go, that’s true. But where does the line blur and fade between friendly jostling and outright insulting?
There are days when the ribbing doesn’t get to me and I tend to just laugh things off or make a few jokes at my own expense. But sometimes, (and you know this is true) sometimes when you’re already feeling a little too down and someone makes a little insensitive comment about your chubby anything and you just want to scream at them. “I get it okay? Jesus Christ I totally get it! I am chubbier, fatter, heavier than what I used to be! I’m not blind – I can see it in the photos we take together, I can read the numbers on the scale and I can tell from the reflection in the mirror.”
And it’s not that I’m not trying… (squeaks the defensive voice at the back of my head) I have lost some weight that I’ve gained from all the kummerspeck I’ve done but I know where my faults are, how I don’t religiously attend to the exercise regime I vowed to attend to daily, how I cheated and shoved that second piece of birthday cake down my gullet, how I chose the regular Coke over the glass of cold water. I know. I know. I know.
You don’t have to remind me. You don’t have to pinch the fat round my sides or ask me “Do you really want to eat that?”
It’s harder because I’m older, I have more money to buy the yummy high calorie sweets and I’m lazier too. I know all my defects you don’t have to point it out. But I am trying. My metabolism isn’t what it used to be in college and I don’t have the time to spend an hour each day going to the gym anymore. Nowadays, I work more than 8 hours a day – I work even when I’m at home and while I wish I could spend an extra hour on the treadmill; there are days when my brain is telling me I need a break and to just lie down and rest.
I don’t always complain when you tease me about it. I understand that it’s going to be something people around me do from time to time but I I also wish that sometimes – you keep your trap shut especially when you know how bad of a day I’ve had.
So please, I appreciate that you’re just trying to point me in the right direction. But can you cut me some slack once in a while? For the sake of our friendship, shut up. To be honest, this is why sometimes I don’t want to be around you. Because while I am okay with the occasional teasing, I am not okay with you doing it every time we’re together.
- 8 Things You Didn’t Know About Your Body Fat (jtm71.wordpress.com)
- EMDR with Body-Image Issues (traumatherapy.typepad.com)
- Welcome to the Body Issue (theinvisibleprincess.com)
- On “The Perfect Body” and “Skinny Privilege” (neederish.wordpress.com)
- Battling Our Bodies: Understanding and Overcoming Negative Body Images (geertspico.wordpress.com)
- “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” (shannonisms.wordpress.com)
- Why I’d like to be fit not a ‘fit bird’ – and how smaller breasts can help me get there (100tours100tales.wordpress.com)
- Muffin top philosophy (pamelaswain.wordpress.com)