The Journey Back

Courtesy of Panaromio

D-Day:

I was born, as my brother and sisters were born in a situation where none can really explain. We were.. too many. So to speak. But our numbers dwindle from the start. Half of them don’t really live past day one. A battle of normalcy, or supremacy if you’re being egotistical. For the most part, my life was idyllic. Up until my coming of age. Everything was just hunky dory. I didn’t know the meaning of the words, suffer, fear or loneliness. But that changed today.

I didn’t really mean to jump in.
I was curious.
The well had been standing there longer than my parents’ parents…
Or so they say.
They say the well contained vast riches, because the humans would drop by every day, and take something out of the well.

Well, that was before.
Now no one goes to the well anymore.
Mother says, that a curse has been cast. And it would be good for us to stay away.

And I tried, I really tried but I was curious.
So I peered in, and before I knew it – I was falling.

PLOP.

Day One:

I don’t remember feeling this much pain before. It hurts just to move about.
I think I have been lying down for hours.
Maybe days?

It’s dark and cold in here.
Is this what hell feels like? I’ve tried croaking but no one seems to be able to hear me.
I croak until my voice gives out.

Have you ever heard a frog, with a broken voice?
Uglier than hell.

I stare up at the sky, from the bottom of this abyss and I can’t help but cry.
Will I ever touch the sky again?

Day Two

I can move about now. Somehow.
I’ve managed to scrounge about some moss for my sustenance too.
The well is not as scary as I imagined. There was water for me to drink, which is good.

But its not the same as the outside.

I lie down, staring up at the blue sky and I wonder if I’m to stay here for the rest of my life.
Till the day I die?

I shiver, then I start to cry.

This is what loneliness feels like.

This is what despair is all about.

Day Three:

This morning, I stare at the sky. Something that I’ve come to appreciate so much these days.
I can’t believe how I never saw its majesty before. How blue it is, how high, how peaceful.

Now I know.

That’s when I decided I’ll not spend the rest of my life in this abyss. I will make it out, I want to be able to hop across the fields again. I want to feel the rays of the sun on me. I want to count the stars and wish against the moon and her children.

I paw about the well.
They are slippery and whenever I jump I slide back down.

I’m getting frustrated.
I’ve been jumping all day and nothing seems to work.
The day has turned to night and tears of frustration stream down my face.
Will I ever get out?

I fall asleep crying.
It doesn’t matter.
No one can hear me anyway.

Day Four:

I got it!
I found out how to get of this godforsaken place!

It was, early this morning and I was remembering my brothers and sisters who play with me everyday. I remember how we loved scaling the walls. How we’d attach ourself to it real tight, pretend to hug it and start crawling our way up.

The first few tries are futile.
The walls are just too soft, and mossy.

At some point I feel like giving up.
But I look up at the sky and I remember the feeling of freedom.

And so I started crawling, and climbing up.

It worked.

Day Five:

Today I felt like giving up.

You would too, if you went through what I did.

I was more than halfway up, I could almost hear the breeze tickling me.
I could hear the croaks of my brothers and sisters.
I was so excited that I didn’t see the crack in the well.
I didn’t see the spider biting into my skin.
I didn’t notice my surroundings.
I was just so intent on the voices outside.

I fell again.

This time, the fall hurt more than just my body.
It hurt my pride.
Why was I foolish enough to forget that I was barely out?
Why didn’t I take things slowly as I should have done?
All those hard work blown to pieces.
This time, down at the bottom of the well, I nurse my heart.

Day Six:

I can’t give up now!
The sky is calling my name.
It wants me to come home.

I can see a bird, flying above me.
I wonder, what it would feel like to fly.

This time, I take my time.
I know now, what to do.
But it’s harder.

The rain came last night and it’s slippery as hell.
I stumble a few inches every time I rise.
But it’s ok.
I know, I made progress somehow.

No sleep tonight.
No sleep at all.
Just rest my arms once in a while.
Look up at the sky and pray.

Just pray.

Day Seven

Today, I’m where I was when I fell.
And fear grips me to the point that I have to stop and calm myself down.

I close my eyes for a second, thinking of the field and of the sky.
Especially the sky.
I look up and I see the sun and the clouds and for a moment, the light blinds me.
I almost slip.

I inch my way, slowly, taking my time.
I know what to do now.
I know how to act.

There’s no need to rush things.

I’ll eventually come to the top again.

I’ve been so intent on my goals, that I didn’t realize I was grasping air for my next step.

I manage to haul myself up and I’m so relieved that I topple to the grass.
My whole body is shaking and I’m crying again.

Here is the sky, here are the birds and the bees.
And I am home.

Home at last.
——–

A frog, fallen from grace unto a seemingly unending abyss of darkness will look up, constantly at the only source of light it finds. It will look up at the sky and associate with it, freedom.
It will see the birds flying past it at a distance and yearn to be free like them.
Because, the well is an abyss. It is cold and frightening and very very lonely. Of all the fears that it may have, the loneliness is the most gripping. Because it is never as alone, as in that moment.

That’s why the frog will do everything it can to try to get back up outside.

You know what?

I’m that frog, and here in this cold and lonely abyss the only thing that makes me feel alive is the sky, the light that it shines down on me.

It is a light, from the sky that tells of the infinite possibilities of future. A promise of love.

If I am the frog, fallen from grace, then You are most certainly the sky from which I hope for.
You are the freedom I’m willing to die for.

It is a long and arduous journey and I take a step back for every two steps I make. Sometimes it frustrates me, because this is the pace that I have to keep. It is hard, so very hard but I can’t give up, especially knowing that I have moved a step up every single time towards You.

At times I fail, but it doesn’t stop me from pursuing my goals.
To renew my drive and retake the steps and begin again. This time with a firmer mindset. Because I’ve come so close, and I know of the promise of the beauty at the end of this journey. I’ve seen the world outside this well. And the light that is You.
That alone, gives me enough strength to try a hundred times over.

So long as the blue sky remains infinitely high and crystal clear.
So long as there is the dawn, the day and the night to remind me of a tomorrow set for us.
So long as I have the strength to breathe, I will try.

Because I would rather, fall a hundred time over from failing than to never have tried to climb up from this well built of my own faults and prejudices and wallow in the loneliness that I enforced around my heart.

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